CHICAGO—Pleading with fans to rein in their excitement during Saturday’s pivotal wild card matchup, Chicago Bears quarterback Caleb Williams was reportedly forced to signal the boisterous home crowd at Soldier Field to eat less loudly. “The way these rowdy Bears fans are chewing, smacking their lips, and grunting as they ravenously scarf down hot dogs, I can’t even hear myself think,” said Williams, who was unable to communicate his play call and forced to burn a timeout due to the deafening cacophony of 62,000 people devouring nachos, chicken tenders, and pizza. “I mean, between what our fans and the visiting Green Bay faithful are doing to those Polish sausages, my in-helmet radio is pretty much useless right now. And the way they [inaudible] doesn’t even [inaudible] without at least a [inaudible]. Jesus Christ, that’s the biggest RC Cola I’ve ever seen.” At press time, the Bears received a delay of game penalty after thousands of crumpled Portillo’s wrappers had drifted onto the field.
